What is going to happen to me? I don't know

[marla38]

I have real fear for the future.

I suffer from depression, but it isn't the kind of paralyzing depression that would make me take my life.

Rather, I am at the end of my resources financially. I do not have assets. I have been unemployed and living on unemployement compensation for almost 8 months and its going to run out in a few weeks. Then I will have no income at all. I've been desperately looking for a job in my field and I can't find anything. What's going to happen when I have no income?

A few years ago I lost a job and my employer contested my unemployment compensation and won. That meant I had no income at all for 4 months. So I went deep into debt. I owe the landlord. My car was repoed although I got it back. I have judgments against me that I cannot pay.

The day that I found out that my unemployment comp was contested I made a comment on the phone to someone from the workforce development department that "this would be the end of me". I did not make a suicide threat- it was just an expression of desperation.

A little while later two female police officers were pounding on my door. I opened it and they asked me if I had said something about suicide. I said I might have, and they came into my home and wrestled me into handcuffs. They dragged me down the street in front of my neighbors and shoved me into the back of a squad car. The door of my home was left unlocked and my dog was freaked out. When I said something about this they said they could take him to the humane society. They were not compassionate, they told me I was irresponsible. They were horrible people and I have hated the police ever since. I have never been arrested or handcuffed in my life until that day. Thinking about it makes me feel humilitated and angry. I told the officers that if I ever saw a policeman bleeding to death in the street I would not offer assistance, because of what they were doing to me.

They took me to a mental health clinic where I spent 15 minutes telling the therapist that I did not belong in handcuffs. I told them I was out of money for my antidepressants and was stressed out. I felt like I was on trial. Finally I convinced them that I had not made a suicide threat, and that the police had overreacted, and that I needed to go home and make sure my apartment was not being robbed and my dog was ok. They found someone from the clinic to take me home and made an appointment for me to come back in a week. I showed up for the appointment and waited for twenty minutes but they failed to assign anyone to me. I never went back.

I still do not have insurance and that is the quality of help available for free. If you call a suicide hotline and you are actually feeling suicidal, they will send the police to brutally humiliate you. I guess that ensures that you'll never do it again. Say the word suicide and the police will come over and bully and arrest you.

Right now I feel very alone and worried about the future. I am genuinely afraid of becoming homeless and I don't think I can face that. I don't know if I could face living with my mother, who makes me feel completely worthless for not being married with children. I don't want to live with her and be treated like a child.

I just needed to let all this out.

[Christyle]

OMG - handcuffs? That is horrendous what happened to you...I would file a lawsuit against the city. But my advice is a bit tainted this week because I hate everyone (Womers excluded).

Re: Meds - how long has it been? I assumed you had to quit cold turkey...which is probably making a horrible situation seem even worse. Did you ever try going to the website of the company that makes your anti-depressant? I have heard that some of them will help you out (for free). I looked into it a few years ago but because I have some insurance I didn't qualify at all (I have really crappy insurance - only pays for a small part of my prescriptions ...leaving me with about $300 per month to pay on my own).

So sorry you're going thru this.

[marla38]

The police thing happened about two years ago. I am on my meds now- I got my doctor to prescribe generics 3 months at a time, so I just paid $48 for 3 months worth. Haven't paid the bill for the doc's visit yet though.

I was going to report the officers but I figured it was more likely to get my name in police reports and get me labelled as a crazy person. On the ride home with the clinic worker he told me they were going to be doing some training with the police because they obviously don't have a clue how to deal with a depressed person. It was a "takedown" and it saved me from exactly nothing- just taught me never to express anything that could be interpreted as suicidal to a stranger over the phone.

thanks for responding

[Rageryn]

Marla, I genuinely feel where you are comming from. People in good places can't understand how someone can feel so low as to end their lives. I don't want to die, i just can't live with the thoughts that dominate my mind. I also am struggling financially. My life has been one disaster after another. I am unviersity educated, a qualified physics teacher. After spending 4 years studying, working part time, just scrapping by, i passed my course receiving the highest rank you can in my states teacher rankings. I was offered a job at a good school as a physics teacher and everything was on track. 3 days before school started we had to go into school and prepare before the students attended. During a lunch period on the first day i went to the local shopping centre where i met and talked to a young lady. Trying to build up the courage to ask her for her number i let her walk away. I have never been a confident person. Her and her brother left for home and i went for a drive along the lakes. 20 minutes later as i was driving back to school i see her brother leave a house and assume its theirs. I stop adn knock on the door. As soon as i do i freak out and leave immediately. School starts. 2 weeks later police knock on my door and tell me they are charging me with stalking. I don't understand. I ask them what they mean and they say they cant tell me untill i get to the station. Turns out the girl was a year 12 student and her mother is a teacher aide at my school. The mother is furious as i am a teacher. I hadn't seen her or spoken to her since that day. I did not realise she was a student, or i would never had talked to her. I lose my job. All i wanted to do was help people. I wanted to make a difference. I was good at what i do. Now i have no money, i cant get a job with my qualifications as they removed my blue card. I can no longer be a volunteer for disadvantaged children at ERC Queensland. I had moved out of my house and was house sitting for 2 weeks while finding my own place. Now, with no money and no job, i realise i have no home. My world changed overnight. Because its a government job i am unable to receive unemployment until my court case is finalised. Its due for appearance in 6 months. Because i was a teacher, and she was a student, a media storm will meet me at court where i will be made out to be the monster im not. All this happened before school started, before i met a single student. One knock on a door cost me my very being. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to help those who can't help themselves. Yet, here i am, one of the people i wanted to help and i find myself unable to help myself. Im intelligent, received the highest OP from school (equivilent to a gpa 4.0 in america). I got dux of my school, toped most of my subjects. Now im 27, have no money to my name. I owe for my pc, my car, and my phone bill. No one calls me. The only phone calls i get are private numbers from debt collectors. I feel so alone and so isolated. I studied astrophysics and I know that there is something beyond this world, that we are connected through vibrating waves of energy. Physics tells us that our conscious creates the unvierse we live in. We are a way for the unvierse to be conscious of itself. I had a beautiful aspect on life, and i use to give students passion when it came to the potential within us. Now im in a dark spot, dominated by depression that lthreatens to tip me over the edge. Marla, i feel ur pain. I wish I had a dog.